Academy’s PTSD Chaplain

34 – Martyr’s Blood (11)

The cooled black tea tasted bitter. I set the teacup down on the table.

“What happened afterward?”

“After that, what else could have happened?”

Sophia’s subtitle asked in a dry voice. Tears stained her kind face. I turned away from her.

“I… I survived. Like this.”

“How…?”

“After the enemy shelling stopped, belatedly, our allied artillery support began. It was also then that reinforcements rushed in from the division.”

Truly late support, hard to welcome for me.

The shock of witnessing Helena’s death. The scattered flesh and bone fragments still vividly recalling the cursed memory.

At that time, lost between reality and delusion, I heard the news of the arriving reinforcements that would save us…

I, I…

“Do you want to know how I felt at that moment? Can you imagine?”

The first emotion I felt was relief.

I experienced a deep sense of relief that my body instinctively craved, knowing that a path to survival had opened up for me.

Then came the resentment of why it happened so late. And the overwhelming sense of guilt, as if I wanted to tear off my own skin.

It was disgusting. I couldn’t bear myself. Helena lost her life trying to save the wounded. But I, simply because I found a way to survive, felt a sense of comfort, as if committing an unforgivable sin.

Yes. Perhaps I wanted to live. But I desperately wanted to deny that fact.

I wanted to die. I deceived myself in that way.

But the revolting truth finally emerged.

“In the end, I wanted to live. As a human being.”

I had momentarily averted my gaze from her death.

Helena had already crossed the river Styx, yet in the midst of it all, I yearned for the intangible existence called life. The fact was unbearably disgusting.

“Because of that day, my right shoulder suffered greatly.”

“If it was severe…”

“When I tried to stop Vice-Inquisitor Giovani last time. Didn’t I shake my right arm severely?”

Most of the shrapnel embedded in my shoulder had been removed, but the ones deeply lodged could not be taken out.

“That’s why. When I use divine power, my arm is strained.”

It wasn’t just simple spasms, but the agonizing pain as if my arm would be torn apart.

“This may be the punishment I received for being relieved that I survived.”

“No, that’s not true.”

“This is the punishment I imposed on myself. That’s how I decided to think.”

To live with the sins I committed against her. Even for a short while, while paying the price for insulting Helena’s noble sacrifice.

If only I had taken Helena with me. If only I hadn’t left her alone in the headquarters.

If that had been the case, maybe I could have survived.

So, I am also responsible for her death. I will pay the price for that sin.

That was my determination.

As Sophia, the sub-head, listened to my words, she tugged at my collar and rebuked me.

“It is only natural for a living human being to rejoice at the hope of survival, Monsignor. It is a mere instinct for human survival…”

“Isn’t calling it ‘only natural’ rather cruel?”

I moistened my dry lips. I forced a smile, lifting the stiff corners of my mouth.

However, seeing Sophia choke up while looking at me, even that didn’t go well.

“It’s the magic language that can excuse anything, they say. It was only natural. It’s something akin to instinct… with no way around it.”

“That’s not it….”

“Now, I don’t know anymore.”

I gazed at the balcony next to the bed. Suddenly, a strong impulse to jump over the railing outside overwhelmed me.

“…now, I really don’t know.”

I silently stared at that place. The window of the balcony that accepted my gaze reflected the image of myself that I didn’t want to see.

My face reflected there was terribly desolate. It felt like looking at a withered mirage. Beyond it, the sparkling lights of the city invoked some emotions.

“I miss it desperately. If only I could see that smile again… If it could appear in front of me and tell me it’s not my fault….”

The name of that emotion was longing. The assembly of a painfully missed resolution appeared through the window, reflecting my heart like a mirror.

“Really, I feel like I could do anything.”

Even if I tried to grasp it with my hands, the resolution that eluded me. I silently stared at it for a while.

Tears streamed down from my eyes. I silently let those tears fall. I could feel the dampness at the edge where the tears fell.

Why am I so sad? Is it simply because I lost Helena?

No. It wasn’t a sadness that could be defined so clearly.

As a sinner, it was a trial I naturally had to endure. There was no reason to feel sad.

If I have to be sad about losing you, then I will be sad.

If a sense of relief that I lived filled me, I would live my life carrying that sense of guilt forever.

The time of loss is like that.

It turns a perfectly fine person into someone who is burdened with icy chains that are never easy to shake off, always becoming a prison that presses down on the body, making that person an unfettered prisoner.

Those chains were regrets, emptiness, and a future that had turned to ashes.

The prisoner’s chains were so complex and sturdy that no one else could unlock them.

The lock of the chains was tightly sealed, and others were not the jailers with the key.

The jailer is myself.

I hold the key, and it is a strange shackle that can be released if the conditions of the intangible are met.

From Noble mtl dot com

No one knows those conditions. Courage alone is not enough. The name of the key is compromise with the past.

“I… I don’t know. It all seems to be my fault. So….”

I pledged. I will carry this shackle for a lifetime.

“….”

The expression on Sophia’s face, who had been silently listening to me, slowly contorted. Sadness, anger, and pity gathered in that expression, directed towards me.

“Does Father Inquisitor find satisfaction in that?”

“Sophia, I am an unforgivable being.”

Sophia clenched her fist tightly. The fist that was resting neatly on her knee trembled.

“So, what was today’s outing about?”

“….”

“You went out today, so what was it for… and you said you have an appointment tomorrow…”

“… It was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

“What kind of mistake?”

“The mistake of thinking I could be forgiven.”

Sophia’s subordinate looked down at her silently. She, too, stared back at me in silence.

How long did we stand there, facing each other?

“I….”

My mouth opened on its own. The sincerity that emerged from within me was directed at her.

“I…. I was just scared.”

“What were you scared of?”

“The fear of the unknown…. The fear of everything new happening for the first time…”

I had longed for change, yet I was afraid of the opaque future it would bring.

The future where the guilt for Helena’s death would disappear. I couldn’t bear it because it was scary. My true feelings were telling me that.

“I was afraid of that.”

Silence lingered for a while. The sight of Sophia’s tears welling up and streaming down her face was painfully heartbreaking.

Just as the sound of the ticking clock began to urge the silence to break.

Swish—.

It was then that Sophia’s hand, which had been staring at me wordlessly, suddenly reached towards my head.

“Your hair is all messed up. I took the trouble to style it nicely.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I told you not to apologize.”

“….”

“You’re trying to apologize again, aren’t you?”

I silently turned my head. In response, Sophia poked my side with her finger.

“It tickles.”

“Enough, Subordinate Sophia.”

Ignoring my words, Sophia stopped poking my side and spoke.

“Can you tell me what kind of promise we have tomorrow?” I asked.

“…I intended to attend the comradeship organized by Captain Mahem,” Sophia replied.

“Ah…”

We fell silent again. I gulped down the cold tea, while Sophia fiddled with her chilled teacup.

“Father Antonelli…”

Sophia spoke again, her voice trembling.

“Do you no longer wish to attend the comradeship?”

“I had planned to attend. But…”

Thanks to Priest Bedros and Teacher Moritz, I found a little courage.

But now, I’m not so sure. Today’s outing feels like a wasted step, and I feel sorry for Sophia.

“I didn’t know that deciding to change and gain courage would be so difficult. It’s not just a matter of having the willpower.”

“Then, do you no longer want to attend the comradeship?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to attend.”

It’s just that I wonder if I can dare to go there. That’s the only question.

Can I intrude into the midst of those who have already healed their painful wounds? Can I, dare I, be with them?

Will Helena, seeing me like this, not resent me?

“Um…”

Sophia pondered over my words, then she smiled and asked me.

“Is there a problem?”

“Um…?”

“Father Antonelli, I believe you have every right to attend that place.”

That was an acknowledgment. It was a warm word that acknowledged me, allowing me to be with others, including Captain Mahem, who had risen above their wounds.

“You have adorned yourself so beautifully today… Wouldn’t it be a shame not to go out?”

“I…”

“Please don’t say you are guilty anymore. At least until tomorrow.”

I remained silent. I lowered my head and stared at the remnants of cheap tea in the teacup.

“I don’t know if I can give you this advice, but I haven’t experienced the pain of the great war.”

“…”

“I’m sure there have been things you haven’t told me. But that’s not important.”

Sophia reached out and held my hand. The warmth that emanated from her hand seemed to flow through my arm.

“The important thing is… that you believed in me and shared this story. Father-in-Charge, this alone has brought about a significant change. You have taken a big step forward.”

Suddenly, something welled up. It flowed down my cheeks like a hot iron, causing my shoulders to tremble.

“So, now is the time for the second step.”

Sophia’s words. The words that could melt even the frozen lock of a solid iron chain.

“Father-in-Charge, don’t embark on this long journey alone. It will be lonely if you go alone.”

“Cough….”

“Trust everyone and move forward together. Father-in-Charge.”

“Cough, sob….!”

Because it was so warm…

Even though the sun had not risen, even though I was not wearing an expensive fur coat.

I was able to feel immense warmth.

Sophia closed her eyes. Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes and slowly fell, and her hands that became the destination of those tears clasped together devoutly. I followed her lead and clumsily gathered my trembling and insignificant hands.

Finally, Sophia opened her mouth.

“The Lord said…”

If you need courage to harvest the fruits that have blossomed there because of the seeds scattered along the thorny path.

Benedictio, do not be sad. If you walk the thorny path, I will step on the thorns and together we will overcome them.

If you walk the dark path, I will take the lead and be your lantern.

If you walk upon the fiery desert of the distant Samadan Land, I shall be the water in your canteen, quenching your thirst and becoming your companion.

So, do not be sad.

Thus, she spoke.

“Benedictio Book, Chapter 8, Verse 18.”

Just as the snow becomes harder as it is exposed to the sunlight.

Sophia’s words may have made me a little bit stronger.