Chapter 8 - Insecurity

After a long sob it was difficult to open my eyes. ‘Dammit. I regret this.’ I regret crying here. I should’ve cried after I got home. Not only that, I regret not eating all that delicious food and not slapping that pr*ck. I also regret not pulling that b**ch Elise’s hair out. 

I also dreamed of becoming a government official but gave up so that I wouldn’t have to compete with Kyles and pull him down. For him, I was that much ready to give up on my dream. But now… I regret the time I had wasted away. I also regret wasting my life for that douchebag. I was truly a fool. Come to think of it. I realized I had done nothing for myself as I worked only for him and his family. During all those times of hard work, I had forgotten about my dream.

But because of the separation that pushed me into the abyss, came back to me. The dream to become a government official is now dull and faded. With that dream coming back to me, I found a wish to live for me from now on.

‘Will I be really okay?’ I asked myself. And it was my will that answered, ‘You’ll be alright, Marina. I’m 18 years old and maybe a bit too grown, but if I start studying now, maybe I can go higher in rank than that b*stard Kyles. I was at the top of the cla*s at the Academy. Why can’t I?’

I studied with Kyles in case he ran into problems that he didn’t know about, so I already knew very well about the exam. Yeah, why not? Marina von Harrant, the daughter of a noble with a small estate. Despite that, our family was still a higher-ranked count family with a long history behind us. These days, it means very little… but no. I shouldn’t think about that.

I have my family’s support. We don’t have money, but what have I got to lose? I should be proud of it. So, it’s about time I forget about that prick and think about the good things in front of me. If he reappears in my mind, I’ll think about all the worst aspects of him, so I won’t be sad about it. Think just for the good of myself.

“Marina! Look at this flower. Isn’t it pretty? It’s for you.”

“Marina, I think I like you too. My heart races whenever I think about you.”

“Marina, I love you.”

Tears kept running down my cheeks. Yeah. I’m only a girl, and I can’t just forget about the 5 years that I loved him in a day. Let’s just cry it all out and be done with it, Marina. When did you start falling for him again?

When I saw him for the first time, he was planting wildflowers in a garden on the street. Everyone watching him thought it was nonsense, but he still smiled with dirt all over him. I fell in love with that smile you made when you said even when others think it’s useless, it becomes valuable when you treat it with value. 

Because you were a person with a good heart who cared for those treated worthless by others, I liked you. I felt loved because it felt like you called me a valuable person when I was bullied and looked down upon by others. You who knew how to care for the weak and small things were special among the arrogant noble kids in the Academy… and you came into my heart.

Kyles, there were no fierce, heart-pounding feelings like from a novel, but I felt our time together was very warm, and I truly liked you. I wanted to become a strong woman who helped you with your dream to become a government official. That’s why I went to every party even when I hated them. The words that you said while you planted those wildflowers were like energy to my life while I was between the people who stomped me. You were my spiritual cornerstone.

But what you decided to see wasn’t the strong and tenacious wild gra*s that fought against rainstorms, but a weak and pretty flower that was raised in a greenhouse and was loved and admired by everyone. I was sorely mistaken. Now, I will let go of you who I loved. Goodbye, Kyles.

I thought about him when he was the one, who I used to love, just to save me from diving into sadness. If not, I felt I was going to die from my heart sinking. ‘Can I really erase him from my heart?’

I was deep in thought for a long time, dwelling on him. More and more, I remembered the good memories in an effort to push the bad thoughts away, which made my heart sink further. My heart kept racing. Why? The heart that kept racing began to race even harder, making my chaotic mind clear up. ‘What do you mean why? Think about what he said of you.’ Then I remembered about the Kyles who deceived me.

“She’s not rough or peeks into other people’s letters like you! She’s a noblewoman!”

“Were you this cold? I’m scared of you. I find it so scary that you were once my fiancée.”