My Servant Is An Elf Knight From Another World

"Big man. Oh, my big man. Gotta really stop meeting like this - for real. Them lovely lovers of yours might wind up getting the wrong idea 'bout us, you know what I'm saying?"

So this is how it was gonna be then, was it?

Woke up bright and early to a day of infinite possibilities, decided to go visit a friend, try and be nice; and before I can even take two steps into the ward, all my consideration gets twisted into a baseless accusation of wanting to swing the other way?

Who the hell greets their visitors that way, Tyler? Who besides you, tell me - who's the degenerate?

"Mmm, 'know what - you might just be onto something there," I said, swiveling my legs back out toward the door. "Alright, good talk. I'll just go see myself out and - "

"Kidding, Big Man, kidding! Get your ass back over here," Tyler yelled, coaxing me back with a beckoning wave. "'Sides, everyone knows we both love each other like bros already anyway. Ain't that right?"

Someone seems to be in a loving mood today. Wonder why that could be…

There were still a good few hours left to burn before the clock hand starts pointing southbound and directly in Amanda's direction. Apparently, a little-known fact of which Amanda seemed quite too keen on reminding me on the hourly. She stopped shooting messages a little while after one, and the busy-bee she was, I'm surprised it even took her that long to finally get bustling.

"So, so, so," Tyler leaned way back into his bed, squeezing it for all of its comforts. "To what do I owe the pleasure, big man?"

I plopped myself down onto the familiar lone sofa near his bedside, and I could only wonder if he had had a particularly feral cat over one time with how stringy and tattered the armrests suddenly were.

"Actually, hold up, fuck that, I don't owe you shit - you do!" He accused me before I could even say anything incriminating. "Christmas! I haven't heard shit from Christmas! You gotta tell me all about it. How'd it go? Made your girl happy? Did you get lucky? Break it down for me! Guide me as to how the playboy plays!"

Some world-weary nurse must have replaced Tyler IV drips with ecstasy or something. The man's somehow even more hyper than before he got his face kicked in… speaking of which…

"Weren't you supposed to be discharged from here, like, days ago already?" I asked. "That's what you said online, didn't you? Bored the hell out of your mind, you posted."

"And I followed it up the next morning, you must have missed it," He said, reaching over to the pile of get-well gifts and cards of which I assumed were from a few of his million billion sympathizers, and plucked out a bar of chocolate that looked like it came from somewhere exotic. "Decided to keep myself here instead for the foreseeable future. You know, for my health."

"Your health?" I said, glancing at him and wondering if his unblemished face and unbandaged head were simply a trick of the light.

"Yeah, man," He shrugged. "Got jumped by those fuckers, didn't I? My feelings, dude - emotional damage, my guy. Mental health and shit… that's gonna need recovering too. I might not be the same man anymore if I just let it go untreated."

"Private hospital room's less expensive than an actual therapist too?"

"Already got a therapist," He said, drifting bright trauma-free eyes toward my rugged, threadbare chair. "And if I leave this room - how's she ever gonna find me for our next appointment, you tell me."

I knew who he was talking about, and he knew I knew what he was talking about - smile like his hides no secrets.

"She must be a hell of a therapist, then," I said, smiling back. "You're looking quite well."

"The best there ever was," He said, gnawing down on a slab of chocolate, and nodding along. "Now, enough 'bout my therapist. I wanna hear more about my therapist's sister. C'mon, why bother coming if you ain't gonna gloat? Hurry up and gloat!"

Contrary to his insistence, for the rest of my time there, I did not gloat. Christmas was fun, and all that he needed to know. His imagination was like an artist, and not the wholesome ones either. I'm not gonna give him any material for his canvas.

So instead we just caught up on things, talked about whatever until there was nothing left to say, and when I said nothing I meant that exclusively on my end solely, because this guy can sure talk.

Especially when it comes to Amelia.

Oh, Amelia… the absolute state you left this poor man in… how?

Any time I'd see that sparkle in his eye, and hear the yearning echo rising in his voice, I knew immediately to sit back, grab a nearby snack from his get-well pile, because I was definitely in for another modern Shakespearian soliloquy about how utterly perfect a person this fair, raven-haired maiden was.

Eventually, the discussion of my affairs came up again, and in a last-ditch effort to throw him off Adalia's scent, I sicked him on Amanda instead by telling him about our date this evening… which sorta did a trick… to mixed results.

He shot me a look, and it was a look without a smile. "Motherfucker, you did it again. You got a date today, and you're hanging with me? Bruh…"

"It hasn't started yet - relax," I said. "I'm not gonna miss this for anything. Trust me, once the time comes, I'm ditching you straight. I'm gone. I don't even know you."

"That's my man," He nodded, huffing, easing his gaze away before promptly flipping his frown upside-down again. "And boy, does my man have game, mmm! Adalia one day, Amanda the next? Shit, is Ash next? How does this work, actually? Got a waiting list or some shit?"

"It's not like that," I said. "It's not about who's next, or whose turn it is, we just…"

"I know, Big Man, I know. Just playing," Tyler thumped me on the shoulder. "Just keep on lovin' them like you do, " and simply, lightly, I heard him speak so profoundly. "That's all you need to do."

A thumbs up for good luck before Tyler delved his hand back into the pile for more things to snack on.

"So," He said, unboxing a stick of Toblerone. "You got something special you planning with her or is this just one of those date-dates?"

"It's special, yeah," I said, glancing at the time on my phone, and heaving a little heavier seeing the destined hour tick closer. "Hopefully she thinks so."

"Then go, dude."

"Go?"

"Yeah, go."

I looked back up at him, half the bar missing, and his cheeks bulging.

"Go where?"

He swallowed painfully. "Dude - are you a robot? Really only gonna meet her right on the dot? That's boring, normal! You gotta be surprising your ladies every step of the way, Big Man!"

"I go now, I'm like an hour and a half early," I said, briefly glimpsing down at my phone again. "We agreed on a specific time. Seems only sensible and considerate that I should - "

"You dating anyone else, I'm with you all the way there," Tyler interjected. "Maybe Ash, or that detective-lady. But this is Amanda we're talking about, aight? The same girl that keeps posting sketches of you on her feed like every other day, the same woman that goes red in the face every time her chat manages to get her to talk about you. You really think she's gonna bite your head off 'cause you arrived at her doorstep an hour early?"

"Hour and a half early."

"Whatever the fuck," He waved it off. "Point is - you go now. It's like Christmas came an hour and a half early. Boom! Ten points added to her affection meter. That's you, tonight, in her bed, scented candles, lights down low, clothes all off, careless whisper on her Spotify, and - !"

I gave him a look. It wasn't a very nice look, and he went back to nibbling on his snack.

"You're right. I'm coming around to it," I said finally, rising to my feet and discarding all my wrappers into the overflowing bin next to his bed. "I'll go give her a taste of her own medicine. I'll knock on her door unannounced, drop in, she won't see me coming."

"That's the spirit!" He cheered, fist-pumping high with every step closer I took to the exit. "You go, Big Man, you show her a good time! And when I see you again, you better start gloating your ass off or we ain't friends anymore, you hear me?"

With Tyler's warning already slipping out of one ear and forgotten, I hopped onto my bike and raced out of the hospital lot, entering the late afternoon traffic, turning, swerving, the familiar route to the high-rise region of town - trepidation spiking higher than my mileage, which continued to build and culminate as I reached and called for the lift, pressing the big, shiny button for her floor.

As the elevator climbed and climbed, my imagination was already twenty steps ahead in front of her doorstep, knocking thrice, dropping in with some smooth line that'll send her into a fit of giggles. In my head, all was perfect.

Now back to reality, having only just taken my first step out of the elevator… I wasn't faring as well, exactly.

I better go retrace those steps, I suppose.

No thoughts, no plans, I reached her front door, and ultimately deciding to just wing it, I knocked thrice and waited.

Nothing. Five seconds passed. Then, ten seconds passed.

Still nothing.

I knocked again.

This time, I heard a faint shuffling.

"Who… Who is it?" Muffly yelled a voice, her voice, finally. Who's that there?"

"It's the police!" I answered back, grinning and knocking again. "Got an arrest warrant here for an Amanda Collins. Crime: um, I dunno, unlawful theft-ing of my heart? Yeah, we'll go with that. Come out with your hands up."

"Oh… oh… it's… oh you're here… oh…" there was a louder shuffling, but that paled in comparison to what I was hearing in her voice. She didn't sound as thrilled as I hoped. "You weren't supposed to be here so soon… oh… uhh…"

Did I mess up here? Did I make the wrong call? Can I lynch Tyler and if so, will the court declare me as not guilty?

So many thoughts whizzing in my head, and right before any of them could fully solidify, I heard the click of the lock, the rattle of the doorknob… and I stepped back, watching the door slowly part open.

At first, I didn't know what I was seeing… who I was seeing. I thought my vision had blurred, a speck of dust zipping into my eye which I hoped a few solid blinks would clear up.

It didn't.

Amanda was… a bundle of halves. From the frazzled strands of her blonde hair, to the wrinkled fabric of what she chose to wear. It was really as if she had stopped halfway through every process, and at first, I thought I was wholly to blame for it.

Until I had a closer look at her… at the muted pale pigment of her skin, the swell of bright red filling both of her cheeks, her nose… and the beads of sweat trickling down her forehead to which she quickly, feebly wiped away with a trembling arm.

And that was when I realized, once again, Amanda had completely taken me by surprise.

In the worst way she could ever at that…

"Wasn't it six? Didn't we say six? I thought we agreed on..." before she could say any more, she slapped a hand across her lips and began stifling a violent cough, and when it died away, when she could breathe again, she offered me a drool-coated smile.

"So, um, yeah, anyway..." She heaved, swinging her door a little wider. "Come in?"