Solitary Toss of Tenderness

I’m just a coward when it comes to love

When Lu Zizheng’s uncle learned that Lu Zizheng and her mother had returned to Juzhou, he warmly invited them to his home to have a reunion dinner on New Year’s Eve.

Mama Lu smiled and politely declined, promising to visit on the first day of the Lunar New Year to have a meal together.

During the New Year’s Eve dinner, Mama Lu placed a set of utensils on the spot where Father Lu used to sit at the dining table and smiled at Lu Zizheng, saying, “I wonder if your father would be angry that we haven’t had a meal with him for so long…”

Lu Zizheng helped her bring the dishes to the table and replied with a gentle smile, “Dad definitely won’t be angry with you; he spoils you so much…”

Mama Lu nodded in agreement and shook her head, saying, “Your father should be angry with you. You haven’t brought anyone back for him to meet this year, and he’s probably getting anxious…”

Lu Zizheng sat down and scooped a bowl of soup for Mama Lu, swiftly changing the topic, saying, “Mom, I’m hungry. Let’s eat quickly.”

Mama Lu sighed helplessly, simultaneously picking up vegetables for Lu Zizheng and reminding her, “Huaixi just called me to wish me a happy new year.”

Lu Zizheng’s action of picking up vegetables paused slightly, and she responded in a muffled tone, “Okay.”

Seeing her seemingly indifferent and soft demeanor, Mama Lu decided to prod her a bit, saying, “Zheng Zheng, Huaixi’s endless patience will someday run out. Sometimes, you should also learn to take the initiative and be accommodating.”

Lu Zizheng held the bowl with one hand and lightly rubbed her index finger along the rim for a while before softly saying, “Mom, please give me some more time…”

Mama Lu was slightly taken aback. Time, she wondered if she could still wait. But she still looked indulgently at Lu Zizheng, squinted her eyes, and smiled, saying, “Okay, I won’t push you. As long as you have a clear understanding in your heart. Come, let’s eat.”

After dinner, Lu Zizheng accompanied Mama Lu to the kitchen. Mama Lu washed the dishes while she helped with the rinsing. Mama Lu sighed and said, “Another year older. In the future, even if I’m not by your side, you should know how to take care of yourself and put my mind at ease, understand?”

After finishing the rinsing, Lu Zizheng didn’t even bother to dry her hands. She reached out and embraced her mother, nuzzling against her neck, and coquettishly said, “I will take good care of myself, but Mom, you have to stay by my side always.”

Mama Lu helplessly patted her head, asking her to move her head aside, took a dry towel, and helped her dry her hands, smiling and saying, “You always seem like a child who never grows up.”

After tidying up the kitchen, they returned to the living room to watch the Spring Festival Gala. However, just halfway through the show, Mama Lu said she was a bit tired and wanted to rest in her room first. She would wake up at midnight to set off fireworks.

Lu Zizheng was tired from the recent cleaning and preparations for the New Year, and her mind was not focused on the Spring Festival Gala. She turned off the TV and went to her room to rest.

She leaned against the bed, listening to the continuous bursts of fireworks outside the window, and stared blankly at her phone, lost in thought.

She opened the messaging app, clicked on Jiang Huaixi’s name, and scrolled all the way to the top. Then, one by one, she started scrolling through the messages.

Over the years, she and Jiang Huaixi had exchanged tens of thousands of messages. She couldn’t remember exactly when she started being unable to delete the messages she sent. Eventually, whenever her storage space became full, she would painstakingly copy them down in a notebook before deleting them one by one.

As she scrolled through the messages, memories of their conversations and moments together flooded back, and her heart gradually calmed down.

As the hour hand slowly approached midnight, she heard her mother leaving the room to set off fireworks. Just as the clock struck twelve, the deafening sound of firecrackers echoed all around, followed by a symphony of fireworks bursting in the sky.

Lu Zizheng finally opened the messaging app and sent Jiang Huaixi a text message: “Happy New Year.”

In an instant, Jiang Huaixi replied. However, it was a simple response with three words that revealed no discernible emotion: “Happy New Year.”

Frowning, Lu Zizheng stared at those three words for a long time. She hesitated, edited and deleted her message multiple times, but in the end, she backed out without saying anything at all.

First, she sent a New Year’s greeting and asked for a convenient time to visit Xu Baihan. Then she created a new message and sent New Year’s wishes to some colleagues and acquaintances. After receiving a reply from Xu Baihan, Lu Zizheng turned off her phone and went to take a shower, ready to get some sleep.

On the first day of the Lunar New Year, after having breakfast, Lu Zizheng accompanied Mama Lu to visit her uncle’s family.

Lu Zizheng’s father’s side of the family had no living relatives for several generations, so Mama Lu’s side only had her uncle’s family to visit.

When her uncle and aunt saw Mama Lu, he became delighted and teary-eyed. He pulled her to sit down and started catching up. Lu Zizheng sat with them in the living room for a while before being whisked away by her cousin.

Her relationship with her cousin wasn’t particularly close when they were younger, but due to the frequent interactions between their families and the care her uncle showed to Lu Zizheng and Mama Lu, they had become somewhat familiar. After many years of not seeing each other, her cousin now seemed much closer and more approachable.

Her cousin kindly asked about Lu Zizheng’s life and work in Linzhou, and they chatted about everyday matters for a long time before hesitantly asking, “Cousin, have you… seen Lian Xuan lately?”

Lu Zizheng was momentarily taken aback, understanding her cousin’s thoughts. She smiled gently and replied, “Whether I have seen her again or not is not important anymore. Those things are in the past, and you don’t need to dwell on them.”

Her cousin bit her lip and looked at Lu Zizheng, sincerely apologizing, “I’m sorry, it’s all my fault. I owe you so many years of apologies.”

That year, her uncle was laid off, and her aunt was a housewife. The family suddenly lost their source of livelihood. Her uncle’s former workplace was a subsidiary of the Lian family’s company. At that time, Lu Zizheng and Lian Xuan were close friends, known throughout the school. Being in the same school as Lu Zizheng, her cousin naturally heard about it. Seeing the despair at home, she had nowhere else to turn but to seek help from Lu Zizheng. She said, “Sis, hasn’t our family been good to you and Auntie all these years? Please help us. You and Lian Xuan are so close, it’s just a matter of you asking her. For you, it’s just a simple request. For Lian Xuan, leaving one person behind, how big of a deal can it be?”

Lu Zizheng never dared to ask Lian Xuan for anything, afraid of putting her in a difficult situation and fearing that she would look down on her. Naturally, she repeatedly shook her head and refused.

Her cousin became increasingly desperate and started speaking without restraint, angrily accusing her of being heartless. She said that all the kindness their family had shown to Lu Zizheng and her mother was in vain. She said that now, when it came to a simple request, Lu Zizheng was unwilling to lend a hand. She questioned whether they could rely on Lu Zizheng if their family faced any difficulties in the future. Her uncle had unknowingly raised a white-eyed wolf.

She couldn’t withstand her cousin’s pleading and scolding. In the end, after several hesitations, she nodded and agreed. It was the first time she had asked Lian Xuan for help, and of course, it became the last time.

Lu Zizheng sighed, smiled faintly, and replied to her cousin, “You’re not wrong, I am. Truly, forget about it.”

At that time, she was indeed outrageously wrong. She was wrong to believe in the warmth behind Lian Xuan’s smile, wrong to mistake the heat and sweetness imprinted on her lips as genuine, and wrong to overestimate Lian Xuan’s feelings for her.

The first time, Zhou Fangfan kissed her lips and left her in the midst of controversy. The second time, Lian Xuan kissed her lips and abandoned her in the midst of a storm.

Zhou Fangfan left her only with saliva and a derogatory term, while what Lian Xuan gave her was a disdainful gaze and the label of misjudging someone.

Lu Zizheng didn’t understand. If a kiss wasn’t proof of love, why did she crave the warmth of those red lips when she fell in love with someone? But if a kiss was proof of love, why could they turn around and choose to hurt you, delivering a fatal blow?

On the third year of junior high, Lu Zizheng went to the Xu family as per Xu Baihan’s invitation.

Xu Baihan, just like in high school, sent a driver to pick her up. When they arrived at the Xu family, the driver conveyed Xu Baihan’s instructions to Lu Zizheng, saying, “Miss asks you to go directly to her bedroom, in the room to the left on the first floor.”

In the years that Lu Zizheng had known Xu Baihan, she had been to the Xu family many times, but it was the first time she had ever entered Xu Baihan’s bedroom.

The door was slightly ajar. Lu Zizheng lightly knocked on the door and heard Xu Baihan’s warm and gentle voice responding, “Is it Zizheng? Come in.”

Lu Zizheng pushed the door open and saw Xu Baihan sitting in a wheelchair in front of the desk. Her knees were covered with a thick blanket, and she turned her head with a smile, looking at Lu Zizheng affectionately.

Lu Zizheng closed the door behind her and turned around. Xu Baihan patted the chair next to her, gesturing for her to sit down.

Lu Zizheng noticed that the computer was on, and after a soft piece of music flowed through the speakers, a clear and pleasing female voice came out, saying, “Good evening, dear listeners. I am your DJ, Jiang Huaixi…”

Lu Zizheng was slightly stunned and looked at Xu Baihan in confusion. Xu Baihan smiled and asked her, “Do you remember?”

Lu Zizheng raised her eyebrows, smiled, and replied, “Of course I remember.”

If she didn’t remember it wrong, this episode should be her first collaboration with Jiang Huaixi. She wrote the script, and Jiang Huaixi provided the audio.

During her freshman year, after returning to campus after New Year’s Day, Xu Baihan told her that the campus radio station was recruiting new students. Xu Baihan was studying Chinese literature and was the vice president of the radio station at that time. Xu Baihan encouraged her to give it a try, and with Xu Baihan’s support, she signed up. Unexpectedly, she passed through all the tests and interviews, going through three rounds, and was accepted.

On the first Monday after the recruitment, the radio station held a general meeting. Lu Zizheng followed Xu Baihan, listening to the passionate speech of the station director. She was full of enthusiasm and expectations. However, when she turned her head, she unexpectedly saw Jiang Huaixi’s lingering face.

Jiang Huaixi sat straight at the table, with her hands clasped together, her eyes fixed on the stage, completely focused and seemingly unaware of her presence.

Lu Zizheng exclaimed in her heart and felt extremely annoyed. She couldn’t help but think that the world was small and full of twists of fate.

Unexpectedly, at the end of the meeting, the presidents of each department went on stage to arrange the grouping of new students, and she coincidentally ended up in the same group as Jiang Huaixi. In the moment when Lu Zizheng heard it clearly, she reflexively turned her head to look at Jiang Huaixi, and coincidentally, Jiang Huaixi also looked back at her. Their gazes met in the air, and Lu Zizheng clearly saw a trace of satisfaction in Jiang Huaixi’s eyes.

Immediately after the meeting, Lu Zizheng couldn’t hold back and protested to Xu Baihan, expressing her desire to be reassigned to a different group.

Xu Baihan glanced at Jiang Huaixi, who was sitting not far away and had yet to leave, feeling somewhat embarrassed. She said, “The station director and Jiang Huaixi seem to know each other, and it seems that this grouping was requested by Jiang Huaixi…”

Lu Zizheng bit her lip and unhappily said, “If it’s really not possible, then I’ll withdraw.”

Xu Baihan was shocked and exclaimed, “My dear little sister, what deep grudges do you have with her? Why can’t you coexist peacefully? Don’t be impulsive. Let me go and talk to her.”

Lu Zizheng watched as Xu Baihan pushed the wheelchair and approached Jiang Huaixi. The two of them had a conversation, and Jiang Huaixi frowned and glanced in her direction. After a while, Jiang Huaixi walked straight towards her.

She stood in front of Lu Zizheng, looking down at her from a higher position, her beautiful face filled with displeasure as she furrowed her brows. “You really don’t want to see me?”

Lu Zizheng kept her head down, not looking at her, and replied coldly, “I’m glad, Miss Jiang, that you still have some self-awareness.”

Jiang Huaixi didn’t like her evasive attitude and reached out, forcefully lifting Lu Zizheng’s chin to make her look at her. “Why won’t you look at me?”

Lu Zizheng detested her arrogant and domineering demeanor the most, and couldn’t help but feel greatly annoyed. She swiftly slapped away Jiang Huaixi’s hand from her chin, stood up with a swoosh, and scolded in a low voice, “What are you touching me for? What’s there to look at? Why are you staring?!”

Jiang Huaixi was taken aback by the sudden outburst, and there was a momentary panic on her face, but she quickly concealed it. She coldly stared at Lu Zizheng for a while, then let out a cold laugh and said, “Very well. If you don’t want to be in the same group as me, I won’t force you. However, one day, I will make you personally request to the station director to be on the same shift as me.” With that, she picked up her jacket from the table, draped it over her elbow, and strode out of the classroom with long strides.

Lu Zizheng was somewhat intimidated by her imposing presence and absentmindedly watched her figure walking away.

Unexpectedly, Jiang Huaixi suddenly turned her head back, raised an eyebrow, and stared directly into Lu Zizheng’s eyes. With a mocking tone, she retorted, “What are you looking at? Didn’t you say there’s nothing good-looking about me?”

Lu Zizheng was taken aback by her words and couldn’t find words to refute her for a moment. She could only watch as Jiang Huaixi turned around again and left with a graceful stride. Beside them, Xu Baihan, who had been silently observing the exchange, couldn’t help but burst into suppressed laughter, saying, “Do you two have to be so amusing…”

Shortly after that, Lu Zizheng experienced for the first time Jiang Huaixi’s decisive way of speaking, where her words were final.

Now, Xu Baihan is playing the first episode of the program where she requested to be reassigned to work with Jiang Huaixi.

Lu Zizheng asked Xu Baihan, “Why did you suddenly want to listen to this?”

Xu Baihan’s gaze shifted to a red invitation card placed on the desk and said, “Huang Ze is getting married.”

Lu Zizheng stood up and picked up the invitation card from the desk, opening it and asking softly, “And what about Qi Yu? How is she doing?”

Xu Baihan sighed bitterly and said, “She went to the United States, married an American man who had been divorced, and obtained a green card.”

Lu Zizheng fell silent for a moment, feeling a sense of melancholy just like Xu Baihan.

Huang Ze and Qi Yu were one year older than Lu Zizheng. They had been childhood sweethearts, classmates from elementary school to high school, and had secretly admired each other. In college, they coincidentally ended up at the same university. In their freshman year, they finally broke through that barrier and got together, becoming the golden couple recognized by their radio station. However, during Lu Zizheng’s sophomore year, they broke up, and nobody knew what happened. All they knew was that both of them left the radio station. Later, it was heard that Qi Yu had gone through one boyfriend after another, and Huang Ze had also had a series of girlfriends. On the year of their college graduation, when the radio station organized a farewell party, neither of them showed up, never to see each other again.

Lu Zizheng sighed and said, “If they hadn’t started back then, perhaps what they would have had for each other was a pure silent admiration in their youth. When I think about it, it may be regretful, but it’s also beautiful.”

However, Xu Baihan smiled slightly and said, “But if I were them, even knowing the eventual outcome, I would still be willing to start, at least, to have had it once.”

Lu Zizheng was somewhat amazed by Xu Baihan’s determination and exclaimed, “I never expected you to be so steadfast and brave when it comes to love.”

However, Xu Baihan shook her head and smiled bitterly, “You’re mistaken. I’m just a coward when it comes to love.”

A touch of sorrow appeared on her gentle face, and she softly asked Lu Zizheng, “Do you remember when I said I wanted to tell you a story?”

Lu Zizheng nodded solemnly, her intuition telling her that this was not going to be a happy story.