Solitary Toss of Tenderness

Won’t you fight for yourself once?

Mother Jiang looked at Jiang Huaixi lying on the sickbed and sighed deeply, saying, “Zizheng, the day you came to our home, everyone in our family welcomed you. Over the years, we have tried numerous times to persuade Huaixi to bring you back home so that we could meet you, but she was afraid you would be put in a difficult position and refuse. After waiting for so many years, we finally welcomed you, and it’s natural for us to be overly curious. Later, after sending you back, we felt a bit unhappy. I guess you might have misunderstood something.”

Lu Zizheng was slightly taken aback, hesitated for a moment, and then nodded gently. That day, the scrutinizing looks from the Jiang family and the layers of implicit remarks made her feel extremely uncomfortable.

Mother Jiang shook her head and explained, “That day, when Huaixi was not around, the things I said to you were just an earnest request. I wanted to implore you to be with Huaixi, to not waste each other’s precious time. Since she has chosen you, as a mother, I’ve accepted that, but I can’t bear to see her suffer and dedicate everything to you without getting anything in return. She may be selfless, but I can’t help feeling a sense of discontent for her.” After saying this, Mother Jiang looked deeply at Lu Zizheng and continued, “Zizheng, even now, I repeat this plea to you: take pity on the person before you, and don’t let Huaixi wait any longer, okay?”

Upon hearing this, Lu Zizheng’s mind momentarily went blank and bewildered. “Zizheng, the expectations of parents for their children are not excessive. My only wish for Huaixi, from childhood to adulthood, has been for her to be safe and find a caring and considerate partner. If she’s willing, have a child or two in the future, enjoy the happiness of a family with grandchildren around. Auntie’s request is so simple, isn’t it? Can you fulfill this simple wish of mine?” The words of Mother Jiang from that day still echoed in her ears, as if a bucket of cold water was poured over her, chilling her heart. But had she misunderstood everything?

Seeming to sense Lu Zizheng’s confusion, Mother Jiang said, “That day, I hadn’t finished my words, but Huaixi was afraid that I would put you in a difficult position, so she rushed down to interrupt our conversation. Perhaps this left you with misunderstandings. If it made you feel uncomfortable, I apologize.”

Lu Zizheng couldn’t even muster a bitter smile. She shook her head gently and whispered, “Auntie, you overestimate me.”

The weight of those words had wounded her deeply, but perhaps even more so was her own overthinking and suspicion, making her feel like she was fearing shadows and seeing snakes. Who could she blame for all of this?

She looked at Mother Jiang with her hopeful eyes and then cast a reluctant glance at Jiang Huaixi, feeling a tinge of sadness. “Auntie, maybe you don’t know, but I confessed my feelings to Huaixi, and she… politely declined me.” As she spoke, Lu Zizheng recalled the despair and helplessness she felt that day, causing her eyes to well up with tears again.

Clearly caught off guard, Mother Jiang’s expression froze as she stared at Lu Zizheng. After a long pause, she forced a bitter smile and said, “Zizheng, I thought you might be an exception for Huaixi, but I never expected…” Her unfinished words got stuck in her throat. Mother Jiang shifted her gaze to Jiang Huaixi lying in the hospital room and let out a sigh. “Zizheng, Huaixi has her own emotional struggles. For many years, I’ve tried to understand, but even after all these years, I still couldn’t find a way to help her.” She turned back, looking deeply at Lu Zizheng, and softly said, “Zizheng, can you please help Auntie?”

Lu Zizheng looked at Mother Jiang with anxiety, her mouth slightly agape, but she couldn’t find the words to respond. She couldn’t bring herself to say that she would help.

She felt like there was a tangled mess of threads rolling chaotically in her mind, becoming more and more tangled, making it impossible for her to make any sense of it. In her heart, there seemed to be thousands of voices clamoring, but she couldn’t hear or distinguish anything clearly. She couldn’t understand why Jiang Huaixi, who clearly liked her, rejected her; she didn’t know whether she should believe Mother Jiang’s words or believe in Jiang Huaixi’s determination that day; and she was even more uncertain about how she, on the verge of collapse, could possibly help Jiang Huaixi.

Not to mention, she no longer knew how much she truly understood Jiang Huaixi.

Seeing Lu Zizheng’s bewildered and lost expression, Mother Jiang let out a bitter smile and said, “Auntie is troubling you. Zizheng, for now, you don’t need to think too much. You just need to take care of yourself and let Huaixi feel at ease. That alone would be a great favor for Auntie, alright? Can you promise me that?” In her eyes, there was the familiar and long-lost warmth and love of a mother.

Lu Zizheng stared at Mother Jiang for a long time, biting her lip, and finally gave a soft response, “Auntie, I promise you…”

Mother Jiang gave a faint smile, extended her arms, and opened them in an embrace, gently hugging Lu Zizheng, soothingly saying, “Good child, Auntie knows you’ve been through a lot recently…”

Mother Jiang’s embrace was too warm. In that moment when she was pulled into her arms, Lu Zizheng felt a fleeting astonishment, but the next moment, upon hearing Mother Jiang’s gentle words, her tears uncontrollably surged from her eyes. All the pent-up grievances and heartaches couldn’t help but pour out unreservedly. For the first time, Lu Zizheng cried with a sound, feeling helpless like a child.

Since Mama Lu left, Lu Zizheng had always felt like an abandoned orphan in this world. She found the world desolate, shivering in the cold, and though she tried to warm herself by tightly hugging her own body, it was futile. She felt like a drowning person, struggling in the vast, icy currents of this desolate world, on the verge of succumbing to the depths. She longed for warm hands to pull her back to the surface, to give her a comforting embrace, for a long, long time, but no one did, not even Jiang Huaixi…

Yet now, unexpectedly, Mother Jiang gave her an embrace, providing her with a sense of warmth, something she could grasp and feel, causing all her pretenses and defenses to crumble in an instant…

In that moment, she felt her heart warm and at peace.

Mother Jiang just kept gently patting her back, comforting her, “Zizheng, don’t be afraid… Don’t be afraid…”

When Jiang Huaixi woke up in the middle of the night, outside the hospital room, there was only Jiang Huaichuan standing alone by the glass window, staring fixedly at Jiang Huaixi. Mother Jiang had been persuaded by Jiang Huaichuan to rest, and Lu Zizheng, exhausted from her emotional release, had fallen asleep.

The moment Jiang Huaixi opened her eyes, Jiang Huaichuan keenly noticed it. He couldn’t contain his excitement and instinctively tapped the glass lightly, making a soft sound, trying to catch Jiang Huaixi’s attention.

Indeed, after a moment of confusion, Jiang Huaixi noticed him. She slightly turned her inky black eyes in Jiang Huaichuan’s direction.

Jiang Huaichuan opened his mouth, silently calling out to her, “Sis… Sis…”

However, after looking closely at his face, Jiang Huaixi furrowed her brows. After a moment, she weakly lifted her hand from the hospital bed, which had no intravenous needle, and gestured slowly in the air…

Jiang Huaichuan was taken aback and carefully recognized the words she was gesturing. In an instant, he felt a mix of heartache and frustration…

Zizheng, Lu Zizheng! Besides Lu Zizheng, was there anything else in her heart?!

Jiang Huaichuan took a deep breath, filled with helplessness, yet he couldn’t bear to let her worry. He raised his hand and made an “OK” gesture to reassure Jiang Huaixi.

As expected, a faint smile appeared in Jiang Huaixi’s eyes, and in that moment, they shimmered brightly.

Seeing her nod slightly in his direction, Jiang Huaichuan watched as she slowly closed her eyes, exhausted and fatigued…

Early the next morning, when Jiang Huaixi woke up, she requested to be moved to a regular ward. Mother Jiang and Jiang Huaichuan couldn’t persuade her otherwise, so they had no choice but to agree.

Mother Jiang was worried about Jiang Huaixi’s health, so she went to find Jiang Huaixi’s attending doctor to inquire about her specific condition, leaving Jiang Huaichuan to take care of Jiang Huaixi. The doctor had advised that Jiang Huaixi should only consume a little liquid food for now. Therefore, Jiang Huaichuan took the initiative to visit several breakfast shops and bought what he considered the best tasting congee. He personally fed Jiang Huaixi spoonful by spoonful.

For a grown man to do such a thing, it was indeed thoughtful and unexpectedly considerate. Before handing her the spoon, he even remembered to blow on it lightly a few times.

Jiang Huaixi felt a little embarrassed and reached out to take the spoon from Jiang Huaichuan’s hand, her voice weakly saying, “I can do it myself.”

Jiang Huaichuan pulled his hand back slightly and pouted stubbornly, “No, you don’t have to.” As he spoke, he once again brought the spoon to Jiang Huaixi’s lips.

Jiang Huaixi looked at the usually composed young man, now displaying a rare childish demeanor, and a smile gradually curved at the corner of her lips. Jiang Huaichuan’s stubborn expression and careful blowing on the spoon reminded her of the image of a young boy who used to stay by her bedside, coaxing her with “sister, eat candy, it won’t hurt anymore.”

Finally, she opened her mouth and gently took a spoonful of congee. In that instant, she saw Jiang Huaichuan break into a silly grin.

After eating a few more mouthfuls, Jiang Huaixi couldn’t help but ask, “Has Zizheng woken up? Did someone bring her food?”

Jiang Huaichuan paused for a moment, let out a soft hum from his nose, and said, “You don’t have to worry about your sweetheart going hungry.”

Jiang Huaixi chuckled and furrowed her brows playfully, asking, “What kind of tone is that?”

Jiang Huaichuan’s face drooped unhappily, and he remained silent as he continued to feed Jiang Huaixi a few more spoonfuls. After a long while, he looked deeply at Jiang Huaixi and asked with sorrow, “Sis, you love her so much, why don’t you dare to let her know? Can’t you fight for yourself just once?”

He knew what she was afraid of, so he felt even more heartache for her restraint.

When he was eight years old, he woke up one night and suddenly found that his once affectionate sister had turned icy towards him, treating him as if he were invisible. Feeling aggrieved and puzzled, he cried, threw tantrums, begged, and even acted out, all in a futile attempt to regain her attention. Gradually, he gave up, choosing to keep his distance from Jiang Huaixi. When he was ten years old, after Jiang Huaixi’s heart surgery was successful and she returned home from the hospital, she insisted on leaving the family and going to a remote vacation villa owned by the Jiangs for recuperation. At that time, from the resolute look in her eyes, he somehow realized that this time, Jiang Huaixi’s departure would likely be a true separation. Even though they hadn’t spoken to each other for a long time, he couldn’t help but cry under his blanket all night, reluctant to let her go. On the day Jiang Huaixi was leaving, he secretly sneaked into her room, opened the inner layer of her luggage, and placed a family portrait he had drawn himself inside. Unexpectedly, he found a thick notebook in the inner layer and, almost involuntarily, he opened it…

The diary began on the day when he and Jiang Huaixi’s pet dog died when they were eight years old.

On that day, both he and Jiang Huaixi were crying uncontrollably over the departure of their beloved dog. Mother Jiang was at a loss, trying to comfort them and promising to buy them another dog, even two if one wasn’t enough, just to appease them.

At that time, they both firmly rejected their mother’s suggestion, saying, “It’s not the same… even if we buy a hundred more, they won’t be the one we love…”

That night, after crying and feeling exhausted during the day, he fell into a deep, peaceful sleep, undisturbed by sorrow.

However, Jiang Huaixi stayed awake all night, gazing at the dog’s grave from the window. That night, she, who had matured early due to illness, suddenly understood why she and her brother were so heartbroken, while their mother remained calm and composed.

Without deep attachment, without excessive bonds, one could let go without too much grief when faced with loss.

Countless times she woke up on the rescue table and saw her family’s tearful eyes. She felt guilty and heartbroken but could only comfort them with strength, saying she was fine, even though she felt powerless. Yet that day, she suddenly realized that if her dad, mom, and brother could love her less, then when the day came for her to leave, they could also be less sorrowful and distressed.

Since that day, she began her self-imposed exile, living in seclusion, and treating others with indifference.

She only wished for them to love her less, so that when the day came for her to leave, they could experience a little less sorrow and be better off. In this lifetime, she couldn’t repay their love, so perhaps this was the best she could do.

Throughout those years, that was always her mindset.

Jiang Huaixi smiled bitterly, not answering Jiang Huaichuan’s question. She averted her eyes, not looking at him, and simply said, “Call Zizheng over for me.”

Without waiting for Jiang Huaixi’s response, Jiang Huaichuan called out in a displeased tone, “Sis!”

However, Jiang Huaixi only said lightly, “Go ahead…”

Jiang Huaichuan had no choice but to stand up reluctantly, gave Jiang Huaixi one more helpless look, and then turned away…

Lost in thought, Jiang Huaixi gazed at the flocks of geese flying by outside the window, and a bitter smile slowly formed on her lips.

If given the chance, who would be willing to knowingly reject happiness within arm’s reach, something easily attainable, but toughen their heart and hold back tears to keep it at bay?

Since a young age, Jiang Huaixi knew that her congenital heart condition set her apart from others. She gradually came to realize that in order not to burden others, the ordinary happiness most people seek in their lives would likely remain out of reach for her. When she was twelve years old, a successful surgery pulled her away from the brink of life and death, but she still understood that living to a ripe old age would be nothing more than a distant dream for her.

Jiang Huaixi couldn’t clearly explain whether her feelings for Lu Zizheng were love at first sight or developed over time. When she finally understood her emotions, she knew that in this lifetime, she only wished to spend the rest of her days with Lu Zizheng.

Jiang Huaixi had once considered trying to fight for a chance, regardless of the outcome, just to experience a passionate and genuine love. However, the deeper she loved, the more she understood, and the more hesitant and reluctant she became. She was acutely aware of Lu Zizheng’s fragility and determination, her unwavering commitment to having and holding onto a lasting love. How could Jiang Huaixi bear to let her endure risks and fears once more? While she admired Lu Zizheng’s serious dedication to love, she was also afraid. She couldn’t fathom what would happen if Lu Zizheng, who treated love as her life, lost her as a lover—would she be able to continue forward?

Jiang Huaixi felt that by maintaining distance, she could avoid hurting Lu Zizheng. Thus, she was willing to step back into the role of a close friend and love her with all her heart, even without a formal title.

This was the only thing she could promise Lu Zizheng, to love her unconditionally and steadfastly, throughout her life…

Jiang Wang came out of the outpatient department and took the elevator to the inpatient unit to find Lu Zizheng. However, as soon as she stepped out of the elevator, she saw Xu Baihan coming out of Lu Zizheng’s hospital room. Her footsteps faltered slightly…

In that moment of daze, suddenly, a family member from another room in the ward seemed to encounter an urgent matter and rushed out in a hurry, running downstairs. While passing by Xu Baihan’s side, the person accidentally bumped harshly into her wheelchair, causing her to fall to the ground. The person was in a hurry and didn’t have time to look back at Xu Baihan or even say sorry. They quickly got up and continued running downstairs.

The sudden collision caught Xu Baihan off guard, and the wheelchair began sliding uncontrollably towards the stairs. It seemed like she was about to tumble down when Xu Baihan, in panic, closed her eyes…

At the critical moment, the wheelchair suddenly stopped firmly. Xu Baihan heard a woman’s hurried and heavy breathing behind her…

Still in shock, Xu Baihan was about to turn around instinctively to look, but as she just began to turn, a cold hand covered her eyes, preventing her from seeing. The voice sounded low and slightly panicked: “Don’t look back…”

Xu Baihan hesitated for a moment, recognizing this voice… Was it the doctor named Jiang Wang?

Before she could think clearly, the cold sensation over her eyes quickly withdrew, and then the sound of hurried footsteps began. Xu Baihan turned her head in a rush and only saw the back of a tall, graceful woman rushing into the elevator.

Jiang Wang? Xu Baihan murmured. She reached up and covered her eyes, where Jiang Wang’s hand had just been, feeling a bit dazed for a moment…

That feeling just now, the aura around her, seemed so familiar…