Time Traveling Hero

His body shaking in pure grief, my wet face covered by my arms, wails of sadness echoing through the Trial room, the sudden realization of his own actions was almost too much to handle.

He gasped and heaved out tears, as he mumbled out the same words over and over:

"I'm sorry!"

His emotions, once filled with pure rage, were now filled with overwhelming grief, grief that was shaking him to his very core.

How could I be so stupid, I thought as I laid there, trembling at how selfish I was. Her crying face flashed through my head, and my trembling got worse. I mean, how could I pin the blame on her, the one who tried her best for me day in and day out, whether from close by or far away, the one who loved me with all of her being, my own Mommy?

"It's your fault for thinking like this."

It was the voice of the Trial.

"I'm sorry."

"If only you tried harder, then maybe she would be alive today."

"..."

"You, who couldn't even follow her own instructions."

"...You're right. If only..."

"If only you didn't..."

"If only I didn't get out of the car."

"If only you weren't..."

"If only I weren't so weak that I couldn't even save myself."

"If only you had..."

"If only I had grasped my abilities better, then maybe..."

"Not maybe, but you would've..."

"I would've been able to save her."

"If only you..."

"If only I had walked faster to the hospital."

"Then, you would've most definitely..."

If only I wasn't curious about snow. If only I didn't wasn't persistent about seeing Santa. If only I wasn't so naive. If only I didn't want to spend so much time with Mommy. If only we had never gone to get Daddy his Christmas present. If only I wasn't so honest. If only if only if only!

"Then, I would've most definitely saved her!"

"What if you..."

What if I managed to follow her instructions? What if I was stronger? What if I had made it to the hospital faster? What if I hadn't wanted to see Santa? What if I settled for my homemade gift for Daddy? What if I hadn't born on this cursed planet. What if what if what if!

"Then?"

Then, surely...!

"She would surely be alive today!"

"..."

All my fault, all my fault, all my f.u.c.k.i.n.g fault!

"It's.. it's all my fault damn it!"

"Failure."

And his Trial had once again reached an impasse.

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"Hiya there!"

A happy voice reached my ears as I was standing atop the guard rail, staring down at the water. Judging from the voice, it was a girl, probably in high school.

In other words, a nuisance.

"Say, you aren't going to jump, are you?"

Ignoring her question, I looked back down at the water, rocky crags waiting below the surface. Yeah, this place would do.

And I jumped down, plummeting towards my death as I was finally about to see my beloved mother again.

Or at least, that was the plan, but right when I jumped, I was pulled back by my shirt and landed on my b.u.t.t on the concrete sidewalk.

I glared at the culprit, the girl who had stopped me from my achieving my goal.

"What's your problem kid!? Don't you know that it'll only make people sadder if you die!?" Her green eyes shined with concern as she scolded me, crossing her arms in disappointment.

"What do you care?"

"I care because you come here every day, looking over this bridge. I never thought you actually try to jump!"

"Oh, so you're a little boy lover?"

She glared at as she sat down with a humph, her short raven black hair flowing in the wind. "Why does a kid like you know about crap like that anyway?"

I didn't respond, opting to look back at the water below. And I was so close too...

"Hey, look at me instead of that water!" I was forced to turn back toward the annoying girl, whose eyes flared with anger as she grabbed my shirt. "What'll your Mommy think if you decide to kill yourself like that!"

"My mom is dead, so who knows what she thinks," I responded, my face turning dark.

This time it was her time to be silent, as she let go of my shirt and looking out to the sun, which was setting.

"Besides, how would you know what a parent would think, huh!? It's not as if you're a parent yourself!"

"Yeah, but even so," she said, her eyes filled with a sad-like determination. "If I was a parent, I would be pretty sad if my child decided to commit suicide. Even in the afterlife, I would want my son or daughter to be happy, no matter the circ.u.mstance."

Her face lit up into a smile, a smile that looked so familiar, that filled me with reassurance.

"After all, that's all I would want from my child."

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Trial of the Past: Attempt 999

I remember that scene. That was on my sixth birthday, the day of my last suicide attempt.

If only those words were true. It truly was all my fault, so how could anyone, parent or no, forgive their child for putting them through such abuse?

If only I had died that day, would've I had gone to hell for the crimes against my Mommy? Would I be tortured for my crimes, in the same way I am right now? Could I ever repent for my sins?

If only I knew the answer, the definitive answer, but no, what good would that do? No amount of knowing would help. It was my fault, and mine alone that caused her death.

If only...

And another scene began to play out.

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The nurses wheeled in my son at my request, and left him next to her bed before leaving in hushed whispers. She looked over at her husband's face, which had gone pale, paler than when he saw her own wounds.

"Is it really that bad?" The woman asked, trying to get a look at her young son's condition.

"Please, don't make," he started, gritting his teeth and clenching his hands into tight fists as he looked away from our son. "Don't make me describe him to you. I, I just can't!"

The woman looked back towards the bed, stirring up all the resolve she could muster. "Take me to him."

"Cassandra!"

"Help me get out of bed, or I'll do it myself."

He looked back at our son, his expression in so much pain. She lifted up her arm and rested her hand on his cheek, gently stroking the tears away. "It'll be alright, I need to know."

He took a shaky breath before nodding. "I'll push your bed closer to his." He got up from her bed and started to push her bed over to her beloved son's bed, until they gently bumped into each other.

The woman was trembling as she sat up and peered over to look at her son. She wasn't ready, as she quickly turned away, almost having a heart attack.

"What...?"

Her husband was turned away, his hand covering his eyes. "I... I don't know what to do!"

She controlled her breathing, getting herself under control before looking once more at a sight that no parent ever wishes to see.

The only way for her to tell that her son was alive was through his raspy breathing, controlled by a machine that breathed for him. His small body had all but been overrun with frostbite, large swaths of his body already starting to die off. His feet and hands where completely bandaged, although that was due to most of his skin falling off in those places. His face was the worst, frostbite taking away most of his ears and nose, and cracks were all over his body, as if he was breaking apart.

She stroked her hand against his cheek lovingly, tears welling up in her eyes. "My boy, my sweet beautiful boy. I told you stay in the car!" Sobs started to wrack her body as she clutched her c.h.e.s.t, her heart almost unable to take the grief she was feeling.

"How, how long?

"He won't even make it through the day," her husband said, his body trembling as tears silently fell from his anguished face.

The woman had already resigned herself to her fate, but she did not wish the same for her son, who had only been on this world for such a short time. Still, she put on a brave face and started to speak to her dying son.

"Hey Mr. Troublemaker. I see you got yourself into quite the predicament this time." No answer, except from her husband as his crying became louder. "I know, it's looking pretty bad right now, but Mommy is going to make sure everything will be all right, okay?"

"Cassandra, why are you...?"

She turned back towards her husband, and he fell silent at the sight of her face. "I'm doing all that I can, so please, let me do this much, okay?"

Only a silent reply from her husband, and she turned back towards her son. "I know it's tough baby, but hold on just a little longer. When you wake up, you'll probably have no memory of this incident."

"Ca-Cassandra?"

"But, I want you to know something important. When you wake up, you'll be confused, and sad, wondering where your Mommy is. And one day, you may blame yourself, probably thinking it's all your fault."

Silence from the dying boy, the only sound his raspy breathing, slowly getting fainter and fainter.

"But, I want you to know, from Mommy herself, that I don't want you to think that way, not in the slightest."

All that she was able to offer were these kind words, in the hope that it would help him in the future. It took all her courage to make that face, that face that her son always counted on.

That reassuring smile, along with her tears of sadness.

"So please, I don't want you to spiral into 'what if's' and 'if only's'. I want you to know, that it was never your fault that things ended up this way. No, not at all. So please, for me, I want you to be happy, and live your life. Do that, and that's the happiest you'll make me."

Her husband's sobs in the background, her final words filled her dying son's head, in the hope that her words would affect him, even if it was in the slightest, most minuscule way possible...

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What, was that?

I was still laying down, trying to process the scene I had just witnessed.

It couldn't be true, could it?

Could she be right? Could they both be right? I allowed myself that single thought, before it spiraled out of control.

"If, if that's true, then maybe?"

I had tossed away the idea, thinking that it was impossible, improbable even.

"But, do you really mean that?"

That, it wasn't really...!

"You, you don't blame me?"

I said it. I couldn't, didn't want to believe it. But!

"You never did blame me!"

I sobbed out that final sentence as my face became wet with tears once more, my arms covering them from the outside, as if one last desperate attempt to hide them.

The room began its transition once more, changing from a grey to a light grey as his silent sobs wracked through his body.

And so, his Bargaining had been completed.