When A Ghoul Falls In Love

What do I say to this person who is still drowning in grief?

I can’t remember anything from two weeks before the night I was defiled along with the seven other names that she mentioned. Oliver and Maisie were found dead. Others are still missing. My mother told me that I woke up once and asked to meet Baek Joon-Woo. But I have no recollection of that.

What I said to Baek Joon-Woo when I regained consciousness for some time could have been what drove him to do what he did. In his last letter, he mentioned that he betrayed me because he wanted to live.

I don’t know how he betrayed me. My last words to him I don’t want to remember. The night I was defiled by several men I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember who I owe. I don’t want to remember those seven names suffering along with me. I don’t want to hear those screams again.

I know that I am a coward. I have forgotten something that I should have never forgotten. But I don’t want to feel pain again. I still want to believe that Baek Joon-Woo didn’t kill himself because of me. I don’t remember the reason why he thought that he betrayed me, but I didn’t want him to die.

When I woke up that day, I wanted to see him the most. After finding out what happened to me and others, I was in pain because he wasn’t there. Whether he betrayed me or not, I wanted him beside me.

And how do I accept that I could be the reason why he wasn’t beside me? I haven’t been able to accept it for all the years. He is not beside me because of me.

“Tell me, Nell.” Evie points in Eli’s direction. “How could marry someone who looked like him after what you did to him?”

The sound of rain is numbing out all the other sounds. I see Baek Joon-Woo standing in front of me. He asks me with a smile. “How could you do it to me, Nell? If you really loved me, you would have forgiven me. Then, why did you say those words? I had to kill myself. I couldn’t continue to live because of you.”

“You forgot us.” Maise appears beside him. “All of us deserved to live. But you are the only one alive. What did you do for us? Did you remember us? If Evie didn’t appear, you wouldn’t even bother to remember our names.”

“No.” I know it’s not real. But I can’t continue to look at them.

“Have you ever tried to look for us?” Nick takes a step toward me. “If you had remembered, we could have been found. We could have lived. Our families are still looking for our remains. But you are still selfish. How many times did they beg you to remember?”

“You owe us.” Amelia and Samantha utter together, “You owe us.”

“We are dead because of you.”

“Why are you still living?”

“You deserved to die with us.”

“How come you are the only one who gets to breathe when we also had dreams?”

“You even stole my dream.” Baek Joon-Woo chuckles coldly. “Was it your way of repenting? You don’t want to remember how you killed me, but you are trying to become a writer. We both know how horrible you are.”

“You never said any cruel words to me,” I say to him, “Then, why are you being like this to me now? Did I really kill you? Even if I said hateful words, you should have never done it. You always spoke about how wonderful things were waiting to be found in the future. Then, you changed only because of the few words that I said to you. Baek Joon-Woo, why did you do this to me? When I was in pain, you should have been with me. At this moment in my life, you should be with me. I was alone every day without you. I didn’t want anyone else but you. Then, why did you become so selfish and decide to leave me behind? You should have taken me along with you. I hate you more than I hate myself.”

***

Eli holds Nell tightly in his arms as she screams the words. He murmurs to her, “Shh it’s all right. Listen to my voice. They are not real.”

“No, no, you shouldn’t have done it.” She howls, keeping her eyes fixed on the asphalt. “Baek Joon-Woo, I will never stop hating you. Even it hurts, I will continue to hate you.”

Evie watches them with widened eyes, unable to react or say anything. She has never seen Nell act like this before. When she went to Nell’s house to confront her on Baek Joon-Woo’s funeral day, Nell beat her up until she couldn’t stand up. Even today, Nell tried to do the same to her. But now She could only see a weak woman who is desperately trying not to remember.

“Nell!” Eli grabs Nell’s jaw, forcing her to look at him. “Don’t listen to them.”

“They are all here.” Nell cries miserably, trembling in his arms. “They won’t leave me alone. I want this to be over. I can’t do this anymore.”

“You wanted me to be your eyes and ears.” He tells her with a soothing voice, “Look into my eyes. At this moment, only you and I are real. Everything else is a bad dream. Don’t look at them. Don’t listen to them. Come back to me.”

Clarity returns in her hazel eyes. She blinks at him. “Eli?”

He lets out a breath of relief. “Yes, it’s me.”

She closes her eyes and whispers, “I am soaked.”

“You are going to catch a cold.” Pulling her closer, he pats the back of her head. “You are lucky that your husband is a doctor.”

“I wonder about that.” Even though the rain hasn’t stopped, she could still feel a warmth in his arms. She could also feel them around her, whispering things to her. She grabs the fabric of Eli’s shirt. She doesn’t want to leave his embrace. She’s afraid that they might take her along with them if she leaves once. She could endure the rain as long as this warmth doesn’t disappear. Her fingers clutching on his shirt become loose; and then, her hand drops as her body becomes limp.