When A Ghoul Falls In Love

I don’t want to see Baek Joon-Woo again.

Whenever I see the memories, I feel like I am in heaven. When I wake up, I realize that Eli is my reality.

I don’t dislike Eli. I can hold him if I want. I can kiss him and I can whisper sweet nothings in his ear.

But he won’t be satisfied with that.

Though he’s a ghoul, his desires are quite human.

Humans are never satisfied if they can’t have it all. A part of them will always long for love.

Do I not want to love him? I can’t find any space in my heart. Yesterday keeps whispering in my ears while present wants my heart.

Why do I search for Baek Joon-Woo whenever I wake up from the dream? Where is this guilt coming from? I feel like I am cheating on Eli whenever I dream. How am I going to feel if I remember everything after we got married?

Even if I am not with Baek Joon-Woo, I feel like I am emotionally cheating on Eli.

But he’s too understanding. He still wants to be with me. That makes me more guilty.

Not remembering is not even an option. I need to remember everything. I have been running away for so long. Subconsciously, I have always wanted Baek Joon-Woo to be with me. Now, my world has changed. The ghouls are real. I am in another world.

Is it too much that I am hoping to see Baek Joon-Woo’s ghost? Was he with me after he died? Was he disappointed when I didn’t visit his grave? Did he despise me?

If I was normal, Baek Joon-Woo would have been alive.

I still don’t understand why he killed himself. He had dreams. Even if he couldn’t be with me, he should have continued living. I would have hated him if he had left me. But that was still way better than being in a world where he isn’t alive anymore.

If I tell these thoughts to Eli, I know that it will hurt him. Devil Cat knows, but he won’t say anything. At times like these, I would love to read a book to help my worn-out soul.

Someone flicks my forehead. The pain jolts me out of my thoughts. I look at Eli who is sitting beside me, watching me with a grave look in his eyes.

“What are you thinking?” He asks, sounding a little miffed. Lying on his lap, Devil mewls in sleep.

“Nothing,” I mutter. I can’t be too honest with him. Hurting him willingly is not on my to-do list. But I can’t give him what he wants.

“My head is full of my wife.” He gives me a judgmental look. “My wife’s head is full of nothing.”

I avoid his questioning gaze. “Didn’t your father ask you to meet him?”

“Devil burned his office and the study room.” Eli grins at me. “Some important doc.u.ments might have been ruined. Father is trying to save what can be saved.”

“…” I don’t know what to say. Am I doing better or worse? Why is he so happy about it though?

“That old man deserved it.”

Eli’s eyes curve into crescent moons. He smiles from ear to ear, revealing his canines to me. Usually, he would avoid showing me parts of him that are different from me except for his d.i.c.k. I am sure that he would never mind showing me that. A part of him is always hesitating. He might be afraid that I would be afraid of his ghoulish side.

But he doesn’t know that he’s the least frightening person. Even my mom was scarier than this man. I can’t forget how she chased me with a sandal in her hand when she found out that I skipped school with Maisie.

“You are smiling.” He leans closer, c.o.c.king his head to meet my eyes. “Tell me what are you are thinking.”

“I was reminiscing how my mother ran after me with a sandal in her hand.” I let out a low laugh. “I skipped classes in high school, you see.”

“I am trying to picture it.”

A soft smile hangs on his crimson lips. I trace his eyebrow with my thumb. It’s easy to look at him. I can stare at him for a long time and pretend that I don’t remember Baek Joon-Woo. I can be with a person who loves me.

“Maisie’s mother joined the chase too.”

“Who is she?” The focus in his eyes as sharp as an edge of the sword. Not in a bad sense. He is listening to me as if I am telling him a top-secret that concerns the safety of his world. It feels childish though.

I am content. Someone wants to listen to me. To this ghoul, I am the most important person in the world. It’s been so long since I felt like this. I almost forgot this feeling.

But I am not ready to speak to him. I don’t think that I will ever be.

For years, I was living in my world. Since Baek Joon-Woo left me, I was barely functioning. I was on autopilot. I had wanted to end my life, but my mother stopped me and then, she turned out to be a delusion. It’s a survival instinct, I guess. A part of me wanted to live while another part of me wanted to die. I didn’t know when I became numb.

And emptiness is a funny thing. Though it doesn’t hurt, it’s difficult to be content. Maybe human beings are not wired to live an empty life.

“You deserve someone better,” I utter.

Eli gasps. He widens his eyes and covers his mouth with his hand. Devil cat’s ear perks up. I shake my head. Here we go again.

“You are going to break up with me!” He exclaims.

“When did I say that?” I frown at him. Damn it! I am in another world with him to get married to him. Is this break up?

“I know what you are going to say next.” He howls in a maddeningly not-so-low voice, “It’s not you. It’s me.”

“Actually” I raise my hand. “I didn’t mean it like –”

“My wife wants to break up with me.” He weeps like a man who has lost everything. “She promised that she wouldn’t leave me.”

“Little Marshmallow, you have me,” Devil murmurs with his eyes closed.

“Eli, don’t –”

I get interrupted by the sound of the door opening. Eli’s father steps into the room.