When A Ghoul Falls In Love

I haven’t moved even my finger since I woke up. Has it been an hour or two? I can’t tell. I know I am awake because I am not happy with my reality.

Eli’s arms around me, holding tightly to him. His hot but rhythmic breaths tingle the back of my neck. His firm chest — pressed against my back– gives me a secure feeling. His scent is comforting and yet, luscious. My body wants him.

Is this how my mother felt?

Though she married my stepfather, a corner of her heart had always yearned for that man who left her. That’s why she didn’t want me to be in a relationship with Baek Joon-Woo. She could probably see that I loved Baek Joon-Woo with everything I had. And she was afraid.

In a relationship, love is never equal. Someone always loves more. Being with someone who loves me more is safe. I won’t get hurt if that person leaves me. So, I understand why my mother wanted me to not be with Baek Joon-Woo. Whether Baek Joon-Woo was loyal to me or not, it didn’t matter. She wanted me to be with someone who loved me more.

Neither Maisie nor Joon-Woo are alive. My mother is also dead.

My wrist is itchy again.

“Mhm.” Eli nuzzles his nose against my skin. “Sweet Addiction, are you sleeping?”

That question is a trap. I keep my eyes and mouth shut.

He brushes his lips against my cheek. “Your heart is awake.”

I guess I can’t pretend to be asleep beside him. I turn my head towards him. “Is it morning already?”

“There’s no morning or night here,” He tells me with a honeyed voice. “We follow a certain schedule.”

A world without a sun and a moon night and day won’t arrive then. It will forever remain the same. The sky never changes.

I can’t see the stars here.

“I wish I had learned mindreading magic technique,” Eli whines. “I could have found out what’s going inside your head now?”

“You can just ask me,” I reply to him in a low tone. I don’t know if it’s truly a good idea to be with someone who loves me more than I ever can. My mother had always longed for that person. Did my stepfather know?

I guess it doesn’t matter now. Both of them are dead. A terrorist attack had taken them away from my life. If they were alive, what would have become of me?

My mother did love my stepfather. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have decided to have his child just as she decided to bring me to the world because she loved that man.

And my stepfather cared about me. Despite what happened, he didn’t hate me.

Life before that incident feels like a fairytale.

“Tell me what you are thinking about.” He places his finger under my chin and looks into my eyes intensely. “I want to know everything about you.”

I raise my brow.

“It is natural that I want to know everything whether it is good or bad.” Sighing, he pinches my nose. “Since I am in love with you.”

He has a silver tongue. I am getting used to it.

“I don’t love you though,” I say to him quietly.

“You are almost there.”

The confidence in his voice stirs something in my heart. I widen my eyes when I feel my heart skipping a beat, only to accelerate after my realization. His sharp ears must have picked up the sound of my heart. The corners of his lips tilt up. There’s a sly look in his eyes. I am too old to let it affect me.

“You feel something for me.” He says to me, “Your body wants me. You already care about me. You also like me.”

He suddenly stops talking. However, he keeps watching me smugly.

I wish I could beat him up. His confidence is a little annoying. “I dreamt about my best friend.”

He blinks his eyes, surprised. “Not Baek Joon-Woo?”

How is he calm about it? Is it okay if I dream of Baek Joon-Woo? Even if they are my memories, it feels like I am reliving them. Is it fine to wake up with marks on my body that belong to Baek Joon-Woo? I want to ask him, but the words choke me.

“No, I didn’t dream about him.” I look away. “He wasn’t the only one who died and the only person whom I forgot. I wish I had died back then.”

I bite my inner cheek for the slip. It’s fine if I say these words to Devil. But saying them to Eli is never okay. What would he think of me? A weak crazy person? I don’t want to look at him now. I wish I could dig a hole and bury myself.

“I won’t do it.” I utter quickly, “I promised that I won’t leave you.”

But it’s getting difficult to keep that promise. I don’t want him to become like me. Baek Joon-Woo’s death gave me a numbness that haunts me even when I am with Eli. In a corner of my mind, I feel a distinct presence of Joon-Woo laughing at my promises and asking me how I could be with someone other than him.

He grabs my jaw and turns my face toward him, making me meet his eyes full of torment.

“Do you still want to do it?”

“No, I don’t.” I smile at him. “Don’t worry.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

His lips tremble as tears fill his eyes. It looks like he will cry anytime. I don’t understand how he is so expressive. But it’s not bad. I don’t dislike this side of him.

I hold the back of his head gently and pull him closer to kiss his mouth before he starts crying.

Eli covers my mouth. He croaks, “Answer me honestly. Do you still want to kill yourself?”

He wants to hear the truth. I guess he deserves it. But I don’t want to see pity or annoyance in his eyes. I don’t want to hear why I shouldn’t be doing it. I already know why I should continue living. It is just that the reasons lose their gravity at times. Even the grandest reason seems bland when the agony takes over.

I remove his hand from my mouth. “Yes.”

“Nell–” Before he can speak further, I put my finger on his lips.

“I am trying.” I tell him honestly, “I will try living for you. Sometimes, it’s hell I will do my best because I don’t want you to go through what I went through. I know that killing myself is extremely selfish and I want to be extremely selfish every day. But you are here. I don’t want you to go through what I went through after Baek Joon-Woo’s suicide.”

Death of loved ones — whether it’s my mother and Maisie who were killed or Baek Joon-Woo who killed himself — always leaves a scar on the hearts of people who are still alive.

I don’t remember the content of his last letter. His letter is hidden between the pages of the book that is lying somewhere in my house. Eli doesn’t know where it is. I didn’t bring it to the new apartment. I wish I could read the letter now.

Eli exhales, “But why do you still want to kill yourself?”

I hold my wrist, rubbing my thumb over my skin. Killing by slitting my wrist isn’t a reliable way to die. Hanging will probably kill me faster. And I feel the similar itch on my throat.

If I could get my hands on poison, that’s even better.

But Eli is a doctor. He will save me as long as he is with me.

“Are you thinking about it now?” He grips my shoulders and shakes me. “Say it out loud. Tell me how you plan to do it. I will save you and if you break your promise and die, I will find your ghost and keep you with me. You aren’t allowed to leave me.”

“I wish I could do that,” I murmur softly. “It’s already too late to find their ghosts though. They must have been reincarnated by now.”

He becomes silent. I think that I have said too much. I don’t want him to feel that he’s inadequate, but I don’t know how long I can endure it. Each time I am reliving a memory, I am happy that I can be with them again. I don’t want to wake up in a world where they are dead.

I should have died back then.

“Give me some time.” He takes a long deep breath. “I will find where their reincarnations are. I will take you where they are. You will meet them again. Please push away these thoughts. I am sure that they would never want you to hurt yourself.”

He’s wrong. I am sure that they would have wanted me to follow them. But I don’t correct him. I want to fight these urges for Eli’s sake.