Chapter 24 - A Doubt

White snowflakes touched her ugly bare feet with blisters and scabs. Her feet which were turning red were now freezing in blue. Her toenails which had been broken and cracked repeatedly were now in weird forms that made her feel bad by looking at them. The girl walked into the darkness of the alley. The dark shadow hid her dirty appearance.

If there was a hut that could block the wind one was in a good situation. That was possible for children with parents or siblings. Things like wooden panels, sunken stone walls, and pieces of a straw mat were luxury. Even if she was lucky enough to get one, it would be taken away soon.

The girl was alone, powerless, and meaningless. The bottom of the bottom. A life that was strange even if she died now. She was living a life that no one would remember.

The corner with a chimney that stuck out from a house adjoining the castle wall was a spot that the girl discovered two days ago. Even though below the castle wall was a great spot as everyone avoided it, there was a place left. It was because one would have a hard time if he was unluckily caught by the guards who patrolled above the wall. Sometimes, the guards would piss straight down the wall or throw out filth.

The girl pressed herself closer against the wall and sat down, leaning on it. She was lucky. There was faint warmth left on the wall as if someone had made fire. Crouching her knees, she tried hard to put her both feet under the ragged clothes she was wearing. If she slept with uncovered feet, they would freeze pale and become useless. She curled up her body as much as possible and got close to the wall. Within her half-closed view, she could see snow piling up. She slowly closed her eyes, wishing she could open them back up tomorrow.

“What’s this?”

Out of the blue, her hair was grasped by a rough hand. Startled by the pain like her head being plucked as a whole, she opened her eyes. She could see smooth leather boots. Her face turned ashy pale.

“I thought it was dead, but it’s alive.” It was a coarse voice. It was awfully painful as she was forcibly raised up while she was grabbed by the hair. Reflexively, she grabbed the hand that held her head. Her hand was full of scratches with black dirt underneath its fingernails. The man sent her flying. “How dare you touch me, you filth!”

“You brute, you touched that first. Don’t come near me, you stink.”

She heard them giggle. She was thrown on the stone floor where snow was piling up little by little. She screamed softly. Then the giggling stopped all of a sudden. “Hey, this is a girl.” She was frightened out of her wits. It was easy for women to get miserable as they were weak. Since the gender of young children in the back alley was hard to distinguish, she usually pretended to be a boy. When she looked down, her thin legs were exposed as the lower ends of her clothes were rolled up. She hastily covered her body by pulling it down. The leather shoes approached her with big strides. A cheap alcoholic smell surged in.

“Dude, what are you doing now?”

“You nuts! Are you getting a boner by looking at that? That scrawny and little thing?”

“Oh, like you’ve never seen him do that. He’s always turned on by little kids.”

“You dirty scum.” The men’s voices buzzed around her. 

She crawled backward scratching the floor. She could hear someone spitting on the ground. Some giggled and some stepped away.

“Be quick.”

“I’ll get going then.”

A huge hand grabbed her forearm. Overtaken with fear, the girl lifted her chin. She saw the grey sky through her hair frozen with filth. Underneath it, a flushed man was holding her. He was in a guard’s uniform. Despite knowing that the guards were the reason why there were no people below the wall, she was attracted by the warmth of the chimney. She regretted it at last.

She was only seven but already knew that something horrific would happen from now on. An unprotected child would be a grown-up too early. To withstand the force that was pulling her, she dug her fingers firmly into the cracks of the stone floor. As the man pulled her, her fingernails in the cracks broke and started bleeding. She was defenselessly dragged out. From behind her back, she could hear trousers getting unfastened.

‘Please, please, please.’ She repeated a plea that she could not even tell who it was directed at. She frantically resisted and kicked the man’s groin. The man grabbed her by the collar and punched her cheek, cursing. Her head was turned severely and she could hear a ringing in the ears. It was the fist of a robust grownup man. At one strike, the girl lost all the strength in her body. She tasted blood in her mouth. Her cheek was instantly swollen. The man threw her to the ground. The ragged clothes were pushed up. The man’s dark shadow covered her body like a monster. She looked at the grey sky beyond it. The white, clean death was fluttering in the sky.

‘I hope this monster gets smashed.’ She wished desperately. At that moment, her sight spun. She saw stars flowing like the galaxy in a flash. It raged violently and filled her whole sight. She felt her strength slipping from her body as if she was falling from a height. Then the man was smashed. Lines were recklessly drawn over his body. Red blood flowed along the lines. The man was broken into pieces and poured on top of the girl. She vacantly watched the blood, guts, and flesh pouring down on her. The first thing that came to her mind was that the blood covering her whole body was quite warm.