No One Loved Me

I opened Cecilia’s diary. 

While looking for a blank piece of paper, I flipped through the pages of letters.

– Countess Cecilia Linton.

On the back of the Countess Linton, I wrote my name and drew a straight line.

– Cecilia.

“Cecilia.”

I shouldn’t naively believe that Edgar will keep his promise.

“Your wish has come true.”

No matter how much I hold my breath and live quietly, if one day she finds the love she wants to dedicate her entire life to, that’s the end of it.

“So, I have no debt.”

We both had to accumulate wealth in different way. And I must save your fortune in order for you to be able to live without him.

Mom was kicked out without receiving a penny from Dad.

The guilty spouse was the father, but the law was lax.

Even if he was sentenced to pay alimony and child support, it was only if my father didn’t obey it.

Is there a concept of alimony here? I’ll ask the nanny when she comes.

I had to bring in the nanny in order to ask these sensitive questions comfortably.

Sarah said that Cecilia had been with her since she came to Linton’s mansion.

According to Cecilia’s diary, she had been married for less than two years.

That was how Sarah became Cecilia’s maid.

Even so, Cecilia would not have received much attention because she refused to hold the position of Countess.

The nanny was a little more dependable than Sarah, with whom she had recently spent some time.

At the very least, she was heartbroken when Cecilia fainted.

“I’ll also give her a job.”

No matter how much she loves Ceclia, I can’t let her nanny value me more than her own child, so I need a leash to keep her under control.

I was skeptical about my twisted side self, who couldn’t trust others upright.

If I was really Cecilia, she wouldn’t have thought of using the nanny she raised.

I was the one who made Cecilia’s wish come true and lost all the affection she originally had.

“I don’t love Edgar, but I’ve lost everyone’s affection.”

Cecilia has me in her body. Even if I were Cecilia on the outside, I don’t think my principle would have changed.

“I’m sorry about that”

Love is a fleeting feeling that will fade away eventually. But there was no such thing as someone who loved me at that time.

I was a burden to my father and a traitor to my mother.

There was occasionally a compelling reason, but when they discovered my pessimism they ran away. 

“It’s fine once I get used to it.”

That was my habit, so it’s fine. It was alright. It was better not to receive it from the start if it was only a fleeting feeling.

My mother, who had lost her love, couldn’t take it any longer.

“Really, It’s really fine.”

In the mirror, I repeatedly made excuses to Cecilia. Even knowing that Cecilia is no longer here.

***

The curtains were wide open, and sunlight streamed in through the large window.

Then I buried my face in the pillow and slept for another 30 minutes after lazing around.

I could hear the sound of a carriage wheel rolling on the stone floor.

It reminded me that I had called my nanny and her son to come.

My face, which was still drowsy, gradually began to awaken.

Then I got up slowly and called Sarah.

I changed my clothes and washed my face with the water in the silver basin.

“How about my nanny?”

“She is currently with the maid. Do you want me to inform her that the Countess has requested to see the nanny?”

“No. Let’s start with breakfast.”

I walked into the dining room, where Edgar and I had shared a dinner the day before.

“Good morning.”

I greeted him calmly and sat down in a chair.

Edgar frowned as he read the newspaper, as if pretending I was not here.

“Are we close enough to sit down and eat together?”

“Eating in the room is uncomfortable.”

I continued, naturally looking into Edgar’s eyes.

“After breakfast, I’d like to take a stroll through the garden.”

Yesterday, I decided to change Cecilia’s image, as I had planned before going to bed.

I decided to raise Cecilia’s reputation slowly.

Also gradually build up Cecilia’s reputation in case Edgar blindly fell in love and threw me away.

Edgar looked at me as if he had lost his appetite.

“Why?”

“I told you, I’ll settle for the position of Countess.”

I scooped out a full spoonful of chickpeas and put them in my mouth.

The boiled chickpeas melted and went without the need to chew them.

“I’m not going to be a wife for the rest of my life; I’m going to spend it gardening, making friends, and doing what the Countess can do.”

At my words, Edgar gave me a suspicious look.

“Is there anything else the Countess can do for fun?”

Edgar reopened the newspaper, his eyes narrowed as if he were looking at me for a brief moment at my words.

“Come to think of it, we haven’t had a dinner party at Linton’s mansion in a long time.”

“A dinner party?”

“If you’re a hostess, your family’s reputation is important to you, but you! No, the Countess isn’t doing anything, and I’m wasting my time trying to hold on to it.”

I chewed and swallowed the well-roasted carrot, shaking off Edgar’s sharply forged accusation.

“Yes. I will prepare.”

Edgar said with his eyes fixed on the newspaper.

“I’d be disappointed if there wasn’t a musician at the dinner party. I’m glad there’s a singer I know. Isn’t that right, Madam?”

He seemed to be referring to the theater actress with whom he was having an affair with.

I noticed Edgar was completely focused on me, and he just pretended to be reading the newspaper.

“That’s a good idea.”

I replied by putting his second carrot in my mouth.

Edgar grinned contentedly and pretended to toast me.

Poor Cecilia.

While raising my glass to please him, I pondered.

She was in love with a man who didn’t appreciate her kindness.

Cecilia’s face, which had lost its expression, swallowed the wine.

I made the decision to tell the nanny that I had lost some of my memories.

I decided to tell them sooner rather than later because she knows a lot more about Cecilia than Sarah does.

The nanny wept as she lamented Cecilia’s pitiful situation.

She said, “My poor girl. Losing your mother as soon as you were born, and being beaten by your vicious stepmother, I thought that they barely made a real family for her, and even the sky doesn’t care……”

“Heaven is always indifferent.”

I mumbled awkwardly, unsure how to console her as she sobbed.

The wind made the nanny’s cry even stronger.

“Maybe it went well because I lost my memory. Look, nanny, I’m perfectly fine. I believe Count Linton and I will get along pretty smoothly.”

My clumsy comfort was not enough to calm the nanny’s storm.

After a while, the nanny calmed down.

“Are you feeling well?”

“Yeah, I’ve never been this good before.”

It was true. Because my original body was a shambles.

Cecilia was in better health than I was at the time of stress-induced vomiting and hair loss.

For she drank poison, she didn’t seem to need any treatment.

Perhaps it was the result of another soul entering an already-dead body.

I finally pulled out the business as I watched the nanny wipe away her tears.

“I got a chance to regain my trust from Edgar. I’m throwing a dinner party.”

“A dinner party?”

“Yes. I was only a Countess in name, because I’d done nothing in the past. They will not recognize me as Edgar’s wife at my first supper, but he will regard me as a worthy hostess to the Countess. I’m going to work on improving my image in public.”

The only stumbling block was that I had no idea what a dinner party was.

People who, according to my limited cultural knowledge, live in a world where people wear dresses and bow down loudly to greet each other.

“The nanny is responsible for helping me.”

“Of course. I’ll help you. My son will be able to make use of it as well. He hasn’t learned anything, but he understands the concept of morality. When you arrived, he stated that he couldn’t see any guards, and you became enraged.”

The nanny insinuated her son to be my escort.

“That escort….”

“No way!”

Sarah, who was serving refreshments, burst out loud.

“How can you use an escort for the Countess who hasn’t even been knighted!”

Sarah, who had placed the tray on the table, huffed and put her hand on her waist.

“It would be an insult to Count Linton’s honor!”

“How much does a young person know?”

With her eyes wide open, the nanny raised her voice.

“We need someone we can trust by her side now! Open your eyes and take a look around! Is there anyone in this house who genuinely cares about her safety?”

“Still, the escort from commoner is ridiculous!”

Both Nanny’s words and Sarah’s words made sense.

It was true that I had no one in whom I could put my trust.

However, it’s possible that bringing in commoners as escorts harmed Count Edgar Linton’s honor, as Sarah said.

“I’ll think about the escort later.”

They exchanged disappointed nods.

I took another look at Sarah. I had a sneaking suspicion she wasn’t truly loyal to me.

“The important thing is the dinner.”

“First, we need to decorate the house.”

The nanny took an active role in this situation.

“This mansion is old-fashioned, and it doesn’t reflect the lady’s tastes. You know, the mansion is like the face of the hostess, and only then will the guests know that the hostess is not the lady, but the former Countess of Linton.”

Sara exclaimed joyfully as she dictated my nanny’s words.

“Finally, I’ve figured out what you like!”

“Lady?”

“Oh, is that uncomfortable?”

When she questioned her unfamiliar name, Sarah blushed.

“Of course, people with lower class like us should refer to her as Madam, but Madam is very tough…….”

So, it seemed that there was another class that could be called Countess, not Madam.

“No. I didn’t know, I forgot. Will you pay attention to the other maids?”

“Sure!”

Sarah’s joy could be seen on her face. I realized why as she went on.

“Who dares to refute my words, the maid of honor!”

The task of delivering the hostess’s order to others seemed to be a privilege that only a close maid could have.

To put it another way, Sarah received her super-quick promotion.

“Shall we change everything from Madam’s room? It’s far too bleak here. I’m not sure if it’s for older people, but a young person like Madam should brighten it up a little.”

Sarah spoke in a frantic tone.

I looked around the room as she spoke.

It was a little dark, but gloomy?

I honestly don’t know. I had no taste in decorating.

I used to believe that such a life was only possible for those who lived a leisurely life.